There is a pervasive and unhealthy trend among conflict resolution professionals that I observe regularly. It seems that those of us who are trained in this field believe that we should somehow be immune to conflict. As if by learning and practicing effective conflict resolution we would be able to completely avoid conflict in our own lives.
This unreasonable expectation can lead to a few unhealthy habits. First, it may exacerbate our conflict avoidance. We end up contorting ourselves to avoid difficult conversations or avoid directly addressing issues in our interpersonal relationships. Another possibility is that we assume ourselves to be perfect or beyond reproach in our communication or conflict responses. We skip over the important step of self-reflection and focus all of our critique and frustration outward.
I can admit that I have fallen into both unhealthy patterns at times. But with continuing self-reflection and the intention of living with greater integrity, I have learned a lot about myself in conflict and made progress toward aligning my values with my response when conflicts arise.
And I will confess that I have conflict. Just like every other human being on the planet, I experience conflict in my life. In my family, at work, and with friends there are challenges, disagreements, and conflict.
Usually the first thing I notice is my physical reaction. Conflict triggers anxiety for me and I feel it in my body. My heart beat speeds up, my head feels hot, and my vision narrows. These are great clues for me, letting me know that I am having an emotional response that may be irrational. Then I can focus on calming myself down. I might take a walk, get a drink of water, and focus on my breathing. I can also work on my internal monologue and make sure that I apply some perspective to the situation - letting my lizard brain amygdala know that I’m going to survive!
Once my body calms down, and I deactivate those survival instincts, I can start to strategize about communication. Is this something that needs to be addressed immediately, or can I give it some time? If I do want to respond sooner rather than later, how can I stay connected to my needs and values while I communicate about the problem? This is where I can apply all of the concepts and tools that I would use with clients in mediation. Focus on my interests and speak from my experience. Avoid generalizations, accusations, and blame.
Now, of course, I can only control my own responses and actions. Sometimes all my efforts result in improved communication and the conflict eventually is resolved. But sometimes the outcome is not what I would hope for and I feel disappointed, or a relationship comes to an end. One of the hardest realities to come to terms with, both as a professional intervening in other people’s conflicts and as an individual facing my own interpersonal conflicts, is that not all conflict resolution results in a positive outcome. Sometimes the outcome is painful. But when I respond with intention I am more likely to act in a way that reflects my values, and less likely to feel regret or shame.
There is so much more that could be explored and unpacked about how we as professional conflict resolvers find inspiration from our work to apply to our own lives. But first I would love to know how you experience conflict. Do you find yourself falling into the habit of avoiding difficult conversations or confrontations? How do you react when someone confronts you?