Several years ago I got curious about something. I was working as the Director of the Manhattan Mediation Center, training volunteer mediators, and deepening my exploration of the limits and possibilities of mediation. I was also newly married and had realized that some of the success of my romantic partnership was built on the same communication tools I practiced as a mediator.
Some of you who have taken my trainings have already heard me talk about how my husband and I have used mediation tools, like reflective listening, in our relationship. That was very successful for us. But I also had some experiences in other interpersonal relationships where I inadvertently escalated a conflict when I tried to ‘mediate’ the interaction.
So I got curious. Can mediators take their mediation skills home with them? And what happens when they do?
I began to interview some of my colleagues at the Mediation Center and I noticed some themes emerge. I noticed that mediators tend to lean toward one of two positions: There are those who believe that mediation skills can and should be brought into our own interpersonal relationships. And, on the other side, there are those who believe it is impossible or undesirable to do so.
More than a handful of mediators shared stories with me of having a loved one say to them, “Don’t use that mediation stuff on me!” They told me stories of times they tried to use mediation techniques with a spouse or child, only to have that person call them out. They would be accused of trying to manipulate the situation, or the other person, with their mediation hocus pocus.
Of course, this just made me more curious. I wondered, what makes the difference? Why do some people experience success when they apply their mediation knowledge and skills to their personal relationships? And why do some mediators feel that mediating their own relationships is a failing proposition?
After considering this question for a while, and reflecting on my own experiences and the experiences other mediators shared with me, I noticed a couple of themes. It seems that the ability of a mediator to successfully transfer their mediation skills to their own personal relationships comes down to two important factors: their ability to shift their ROLE when applying the skills, and their INTENT when doing so.
When we mediate, our role is clearly as an impartial third party, uninvested in the conflict. Of course, in our personal relationships, this is not the case. So we must translate the tools and skills to apply to this different role of stakeholder.
And our intention when applying the skills matters immensely. When I have used my ability to identify needs and interests, or my ability to act coolly removed and impartial, as a tool to manipulate someone else’s behavior in a conflict, I have failed. If my intention is to control the other person, I am not successful.
When the intention is to communicate clearly and to understand the other person, that is when the tools really work.
My curiosity around this question of whether and how mediators bring the knowledge and skills of their mediation practice home with them was sparked many years ago, but it continues to this day. What are your thoughts? Have you found ways to bring mediation skills home with you?