Just because it feels uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's bad.

For some reason the universe has been delivering a series of challenging interpersonal conflicts in my life over the past few months. None of them are super serious, meaning my life circumstances are not impacted by the outcome. But I’ve chosen to end some affiliations and relationships as a result. Even though the stakes have been relatively low, meaning I am not facing a loss of income or a major rift in the integrity of my family, each of these conflicts has a significant emotional impact.

There was a time when I used to feel that being a conflict resolution professional experiencing conflict was ironic. Or that I should somehow know how to anticipate, circumvent, and avoid conflict in my own life. After all, I teach people effective communication and conflict resolution skills!

Now I have a different perspective.

I’ve learned to genuinely embrace the concept that conflict is an opportunity. For me, it’s been an opportunity to find CLARITY, ALIGNMENT, and DEEPER CONNECTIONS.

The mindfulness practice I’ve brought to conflict has strengthened my ability to witness my emotions and experience without reactivity, which allows me to clarify my needs and values. The conflicts themselves helped me to gain the CLARITY to decide that something needed to change. In these cases, that meant exiting the group or the relationship, which is not an easy decision. I’ve felt sad and disappointed, but calm and resolved nonetheless.

With greater clarity, and less reactivity, I’ve been able to choose ways to respond that align with my values and how I want to show up in my relationships. Speaking up for my feelings, experiences, needs, and values isn’t always easy. It takes quite a bit of courage and internal pep talking to speak assertively and truthfully in conflict. But when I do, I feel greater ALIGNMENT and integrity.

From this place of alignment, I have found pathways to deeper CONNECTIONS. Relationships that are worth investing in can support the challenge of conflict. The energy and effort of saying the difficult but necessary truth can have a generative effect - creating deeper intimacy and understanding.

And although I am a professional mediator, and although I help other people bravely address conflict, I still get those butterflies in my stomach and that lump in my throat when I know a conflict conversation is on the horizon. That is not a comfortable feeling.

Being a mediator has not necessarily made conflict more comfortable for me. Instead I have learned that just because it feels uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean it’s bad.