Can you bring mediation home with you?

Several years ago I got curious about something. I was working as the Director of the Manhattan Mediation Center, training volunteer mediators, and deepening my exploration of the limits and possibilities of mediation. I was also newly married and had realized that some of the success of my romantic partnership was built on the same communication tools I practiced as a mediator. 

Some of you who have taken my trainings have already heard me talk about how my husband and I have used mediation tools, like reflective listening, in our relationship. That was very successful for us. But I also had some experiences in other interpersonal relationships where I inadvertently escalated a conflict when I tried to ‘mediate’ the interaction. 

So I got curious. Can mediators take their mediation skills home with them? And what happens when they do? 

I began to interview some of my colleagues at the Mediation Center and I noticed some themes emerge. I noticed that mediators tend to lean toward one of two positions: There are those who believe that mediation skills can and should be brought into our own interpersonal relationships. And, on the other side, there are those who believe it is impossible or undesirable to do so.

More than a handful of mediators shared stories with me of having a loved one say to them, “Don’t use that mediation stuff on me!” They told me stories of times they tried to use mediation techniques with a spouse or child, only to have that person call them out. They would be accused of trying to manipulate the situation, or the other person, with their mediation hocus pocus.

Of course, this just made me more curious. I wondered, what makes the difference? Why do some people experience success when they apply their mediation knowledge and skills to their personal relationships? And why do some mediators feel that mediating their own relationships is a failing proposition?

After considering this question for a while, and reflecting on my own experiences and the experiences other mediators shared with me, I noticed a couple of themes. It seems that the ability of a mediator to successfully transfer their mediation skills to their own personal relationships comes down to two important factors: their ability to shift their ROLE when applying the skills, and their INTENT when doing so.

When we mediate, our role is clearly as an impartial third party, uninvested in the conflict. Of course, in our personal relationships, this is not the case. So we must translate the tools and skills to apply to this different role of stakeholder.

And our intention when applying the skills matters immensely. When I have used my ability to identify needs and interests, or my ability to act coolly removed and impartial, as a tool to manipulate someone else’s behavior in a conflict, I have failed. If my intention is to control the other person, I am not successful. 

When the intention is to communicate clearly and to understand the other person, that is when the tools really work. 

My curiosity around this question of whether and how mediators bring the knowledge and skills of their mediation practice home with them was sparked many years ago, but it continues to this day. What are your thoughts? Have you found ways to bring mediation skills home with you? 

Online Basic Mediation Training Coming Soon…

I’m very excited to announce that I will soon be offering basic mediation training online. This training will be offered on the Zoom platform and will be Part 146 Approved for 24 hours of Initial Mediation Training.

Just like my in-person trainings, this online training will be highly interactive. The group will be small, which means that everyone will be able to receive individual support and attention.

Dates are still to be determined, but the first training will be offered in August, with more dates to follow based on interest.

The cost of the training is also still to be determined. However, since diversity in the mediation field is a primary value for me, I will be offering a limited number of spaces at a reduced cost. These spaces will be available primarily for Black and BIPOC participants.

If you, or someone you know, might be interested in participating in this online training opportunity, please complete the inquiry form at the link below.

On Accountability

On Accountability

This year continues to be historically monumental, as the world navigates a global pandemic and Black and Brown people call for structural change in the face of systemic oppression and racism. I’m seeing in both my personal and professional networks many individuals reflecting on themselves and the world around them as we all try to find a way forward into a better future.

As I listen to the voices of individuals and groups calling for change and for justice, I keep thinking about accountability. What does it mean to be accountable? How do we teach, learn, and model accountability? How do we hold each other accountable? How do we hold individuals and institutions of power accountable?

As a parent I try to support my children in developing their own sense of accountability. To understand that their actions, choices, and behaviors impact other people. That they are responsible for the choices they make and the actions they take and need to be prepared to face the consequences of those choices and actions. And I also support them in developing the courage and confidence to hold others accountable. To stand up for themselves and ask others to take responsibility for the impact of their actions and choices, as well.

With my children I know that I don’t need to punish them in order to help them learn accountability. I don’t need to fabricate consequences for them to deal with. Life and relationships provide enough of that, if we allow ourselves to notice and to listen. If we allow ourselves to hear the voices of people who have been harmed or offended, that is the first necessary step toward accountability.

So many of us have been conditioned to avoid accountability at all costs. Maybe out of a fear of punishment. When someone calls us to task and tells us that we have caused harm or offense, many of us immediately become defensive and unable to really listen. Or maybe we start arguing, trying to deflect responsibility and change the focus to what the other person has done to harm us.

Right now I believe we are being called to deeply listen to the voices and experiences of people who have been systematically harmed by our social structures and way of life. We are being asked to take responsibility for our complicity in a system that disproportionately disadvantages Black and Brown people. We are being asked to engage in a re-visioning of our social contract and social structures. This moment holds so much potential, but it depends on our willingness to listen and accept our responsibility. To hold ourselves and each other accountable.

The photograph above shows my children marching at our most recent local Black Lives Matter demonstration. They know that we aren’t leaving home much these days because of the pandemic, but they also know that we are responsible for helping to create a better future, with more safety, justice, equity, joy, ease, and comfort for Black people. We do leave home to stand up for that.