Eulogy for Strechy the hamster

Our hamster died recently. Strechy McFlatButt, as she was affectionately named because of how she could stretch out her body and flatten, was our first family pet and very much loved. She was a very small dwarf hamster, with a sweet personality and the softest fur. And my children loved her.

Both of my kids are tentative around animals. Over the year and a half that Strechy was with us, they became more comfortable petting her and holding her. They giggled while watching her run on her wheel, or peek her head in and out of various hiding places. She was a gentle, joyful, and constant presence.

When we first discovered that she had died, there were big feelings of sadness. Lots of tears and crying. Over the next few days, the intensity of the emotions began to dissipate as we continued to share happy memories of Stretchy. We sang songs about her, and tried to imagine what her afterlife might be like. What is heaven for a hamster?

We all knew that Stretchy would die someday, and that it would probably happen sooner than we wished. Hamsters don’t have a very long life span, after all. I am so grateful for the tiny creature who became part of our family and gave us an opportunity to practice so many important life experiences, like love, caring for others, and processing grief.

Rest in Peace, little Stretchy.

Just because it feels uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's bad.

For some reason the universe has been delivering a series of challenging interpersonal conflicts in my life over the past few months. None of them are super serious, meaning my life circumstances are not impacted by the outcome. But I’ve chosen to end some affiliations and relationships as a result. Even though the stakes have been relatively low, meaning I am not facing a loss of income or a major rift in the integrity of my family, each of these conflicts has a significant emotional impact.

There was a time when I used to feel that being a conflict resolution professional experiencing conflict was ironic. Or that I should somehow know how to anticipate, circumvent, and avoid conflict in my own life. After all, I teach people effective communication and conflict resolution skills!

Now I have a different perspective.

I’ve learned to genuinely embrace the concept that conflict is an opportunity. For me, it’s been an opportunity to find CLARITY, ALIGNMENT, and DEEPER CONNECTIONS.

The mindfulness practice I’ve brought to conflict has strengthened my ability to witness my emotions and experience without reactivity, which allows me to clarify my needs and values. The conflicts themselves helped me to gain the CLARITY to decide that something needed to change. In these cases, that meant exiting the group or the relationship, which is not an easy decision. I’ve felt sad and disappointed, but calm and resolved nonetheless.

With greater clarity, and less reactivity, I’ve been able to choose ways to respond that align with my values and how I want to show up in my relationships. Speaking up for my feelings, experiences, needs, and values isn’t always easy. It takes quite a bit of courage and internal pep talking to speak assertively and truthfully in conflict. But when I do, I feel greater ALIGNMENT and integrity.

From this place of alignment, I have found pathways to deeper CONNECTIONS. Relationships that are worth investing in can support the challenge of conflict. The energy and effort of saying the difficult but necessary truth can have a generative effect - creating deeper intimacy and understanding.

And although I am a professional mediator, and although I help other people bravely address conflict, I still get those butterflies in my stomach and that lump in my throat when I know a conflict conversation is on the horizon. That is not a comfortable feeling.

Being a mediator has not necessarily made conflict more comfortable for me. Instead I have learned that just because it feels uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Anti-Racist Business Practices

For many years I worked as an administrator in the nonprofit sector, among a group of well intentioned folks. We spent a lot of time ruminating on the lack of diversity in our field of community mediation, and more broadly in the field of dispute resolution. As a volunteer based community organization it was glaringly obvious that our majority white, upper-middle class volunteers did not reflect the demographics of our client base. Each time we held a training for new potential volunteers, we would count the number of black and brown faces in the group and pat ourselves on the back if they numbered more than a small few.

I admit that I was part of the problem. My critical analysis of the social impact of our business practices was lacking. And as the person responsible for managing the budget, I knew how critical our training income was for the overall organization. So the lack of diversity continued to be a talking point on our meeting agendas, but not an organizational priority in terms of investment of resources.

Now that I work for myself and don’t have to navigate the red tape and bureaucracy of an organization, and more importantly have done some more learning and reflection on my own white privilege, its been exciting to experiment and test some of my theories on what actions are actually effective in fostering diversity.

When I first started offering online training in August 2020, I was deep in reflection on systemic racism and white privilege. It is clear to me that my racial identity has afforded me many advantages, both personally and professionally. And while awareness is powerful and important, I also want to be taking action and embodying anti-racist principles in my life. This means looking at the intersection of my privilege and my sphere of influence - what resources do I have access to that could be put to use in service to greater equity?

Some of the barriers to equity that I have seen in the dispute resolution field exist at the entry point of initial training. Training fees and training schedules have made it difficult for many people to access this important step toward professional dispute resolution practice. As a self-employed, certified initial mediation trainer I have the power to provide professional level training at an accessible cost and on a variety of different schedules. And so I do.

Offering solidarity discounts, and needs-based discounts, as well as alternating between weekday and weekend training have been some of the strategies that I’ve used so far to expand access to the initial mediation training that I am qualified to offer. But this is just a starting point. To really manifest a shift towards greater equity, there need to be more pathways toward opportunities for professional practice.

While I have been able to utilize my social capital of professional connections to support individuals in accessing opportunities for apprenticeship and further training, there is much more that needs to be done. I continue to seek ways to expand access to the skills and experience necessary for folks build a professional practice.

As an anti-racist entrepreneur, I believe we all suffer under white supremacy. As a white person it is easy for me to ignore the more tangible impacts of system racism because my white privilege protects me. But I know that my liberation, and the liberation of my children, is directly tied to the liberation of all people. So I want to show up in a way that acknowledges that I have skin in the game. I am not only interested in the idea of diversity and equity. I am actively seeking opportunities to put these values into action.

P.S. The choices that I make in my own business are also deeply connected to my anti-capitalist beliefs and practice. But that’s for another blog post :) stay tuned!